While
August saw me contemplating the benefits of coming to the UK, this month has me
thinking about all the mistakes I made along the way. One which popped to mind
immediately was the fact I felt it necessary to be chameleon-Rae when I was
first assimilating. I can confirm it was exhausting.
What
this basically entailed was me being whoever I needed to be at any given moment
to fit into whichever social group I was a part of at that point in time.
During my A’ Levels I hung out with the sixth formers, dressed like them and
tried to learn their slang. I didn’t succeed with the slang at all – my private
school vocab kept invading my mouth when I least expected.
At
university I tried to become a slob who stayed in bed till late in the
afternoon, do as little work as possible and loiter in pubs till chuck out time
so I could be invited to the lock-in.
The trouble with this scenario was I really liked doing the work except
for the research part and all I ever wanted in a pub was a cup of tea. But I thoroughly enjoyed the lock-ins.
My
university wardrobe also presented a problem. I did secretarial jobs during my
summer holidays so had more suits than jeans or tee-shirts. Due to limited
funds I was forced to use clothes I’d brought with me from SA and adapt them to
fit with my new lifestyle. I remember with great fondness a tweed jacket of my
great uncle’s which still smelt of his tobacco, was warm and the envy of many
of my fellow students. I paired it with an old hat and copious amounts of
scarves. I was doing student grunge without even realising it.
When I
started teaching, suits engulfed my wardrobe. I had real difficulty trying to
dress casually. To me casual entailed
summer clothing like shorts and halter necks. British weather didn’t allow for
this. I could only indulge my idea of casual if I went on a holiday somewhere
hot. It would take me a long time before I’d realise I’m not really a casual
sort of person and it was pointless fighting that fact.
I spent
years trying to be the person I thought people wanted me to be. All the while I
didn’t know who I truly was. It would
take a leap of faith and unemployment to finally cure me of my chameleon ways.
My prolonged
unemployment (a longer period than I ever imagined it would be) gave me
countless hours of 1-2-1 time with myself.
I spent a great deal of that time writing, reflecting and considering my
self-worth. There were periods of
uncertainty and depression. Reverberating
in my head though were the words of my parents – at the end of the day your
outward appearance is of little consequence. What matters most is what you
think, do and say on a daily basis and most importantly, how you treat
people. So I found ways to do unto
others as I’d wish them to do unto me and I wrote, Wrote, WROTE…
Out of
this difficult financial and emotional period in my life I found the Rae I wanted
to be. I’m still a work in progress but I
like ME now a whole lot more than the ME I was.
Along the way I’ve found treasures I truly value. They can’t be stored
in a safe, counted or set out on a spreadsheet but that’s what makes them all
the more valuable to me.
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